My littlest sister turned 17 the other day,
i couldnt believe it!
i skyped her for her birthday,
at first i didnt know who it was because you was wearing a cow-pyjamas onesie
(complete with udders)......
at any rate, it got me reminiscing about myself when i was younger...
to be more precise i started thinking about me the me i was
when i was 18.
When i was 18
i left my dance college i was at in Scotland
and told my parents that i needed to move to London
as it was the only place where i could further my career.
My dad took me to the train station.
Before we went he put on his best suit,
I asked him why he had changed,
'Because i dont have enough money to pay for a train ticket'
So we went to the train station and he smiled at the sales assistant
and paid for my ticket with a cheque he knew would bounce.
When i got on the train i hadn't arranged for a place
to stay when i arrived in London,
but halfway there i gave a phonecall to a friend of mine
who i hadnt seen in a couple of years and lived just outside London.
I told him i was moving to London and that i needed
a place to stay whilst i sorted things out.
'Sure, no problem, when are you coming?'
'I think my train gets in in about 3 hours'
He laughed and told me he would pick me up at the station.
I marvel at my 18 year old self,
the dreams, determination and aspirations that i had.
I wasnt scared about moving to London.
I was scared
about what would become of me if i didnt jump
on the train that day and try to start finding myself a career in London.
I was scared
of being too comfortable and secure at my college
and knowing what was ahead of me if i kept on that path.
It scared me so much i got onto a train to London with no money and no place to stay.
And those two years in London were the hardest two years of my life so far.
So many rejections, so much lost hope, so crushing,
I became an introverted shell of my former self.
I went to an interview once where the director
asked me what i had been doing with myself lately,
was all i could think to say,
He gave a second chance tried to prod me get me to expand,
but that was what i felt at the time,
my life was nothing.
But I was strong and pulled through and the outcome was shiny.
I dont think that 26year old me would have such strength or determination.
I marvel at the things that i did.
They seem so young and naive yet so brave and so bold.
I think this mixture can only be achieved at the age of 18.
But then again,
maybe i'll look back one day and say
the same things about 26 year old me.