Friday, June 29, 2012

New Horizons....

So this is it,
my last week and a half as a professional Ballet dancer....
and how do i feel?

actually i feel tired and fed up.
I think this reaction is more to do with being here in Cairo,
i'm so fed up with this city, it doesnt suit me at all.
the lifestyle, the way people communicate, the dirt, the political unrest
its not me, 
and its been wearing me down for the last two years
and i cant wait to leave.

And i cant seem to disconnect that feeling of really looking forward
 to leaving here for good with the feelings
 i ought to be having about my life as a dancer finishing.

I feel like i ought to be having some regrets, 
some nostalgia....
but it just isnt there...
i am fed up here 
and all i can focus on is getting out of this joint.

I was thinking today that perhaps this is a good thing, 
perhaps its all part of the big plan. 
So many dancers cant give it up, they cant let go,
and being here has worn me down to the point where i am just happy to let go.

Ballet class bores me,
its seems so tedious and repetitive,
but that is nothing to do with ballet itself,
its to do with working with the same teachers in class for the past 2 years 
who for those 2 years havent inspired me or motivated me, 
they have bored me, 
bored me to the point where i have stopped trying and i dont care anymore.

I look in the mirror and i get frustrated with the imperfections
 which i feel are getting more imperfect rather than improving....
and then i realise that i dont have to care or get frustrated about those imperfections anymore,
 so i dont.

The last few months i havent been cast in anything 
that has required me to push myself,
when i was doing Swan Lake i was pushing myself technically,
 and Danses Qu'on Croise i was pushing myself emotionally, but now i'm just drifting in the background...fading away.

I know its going to hit me later.
Hit me when i've not done class for a while and realise how good i had it.
and i'm already looking into places where i can do classes over the summer when i'm on dry land
ballet is a part of my soul,

but for now i need that break.

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