retirement.....

So this week i did it.

I went into my directors office and handed in my two months notice.

My resignation.

It's strange, this feeling that soon i wont be a ballerina,

its such a big part of who i am, its embedded within my identity.

i started ballet classes at the age of 2 years old and now at the ripe old age of 27

there has barely been a week gone by where i havent done some sort of dancing or at least stretching.

but i feel like its time.

A new name,

a new person,

a new me.

i've spent the last 10years as a professional dancer.

The first couple fighting my way through rounds of endless auditions,

wondering if i was ever really good enough.

wondering if i would ever make it.

and then i got a job in a lovely company 

in Slovenia

where i spent 5 years, mostly happy.

i loved the company and the country and made great friends,

but always felt like they under appreciated me

and left me with pretty low self-esteem.

A sudden jolt and i have spent the last two years in a country and company

that dont quite have the same place in my heart as slovenia did,

but as a career move it has done wonders for me.

Dancing as a soloist i finally feel like i have achieved 

what i always wanted to achieve.

And sure i could go on here.

People (especially my mother) like to remind me all the time that,

'i am living the dream'

But dreams change.

I have new dreams now.

i dream of being a wife and a mother 

and the new and exciting adventures that it will bring.

and yes, 

i feel nostalgic,

and at times i wonder if i can really do this.

the unknown frightens me.

But i wont be doing it alone,

i'll be doing it with a guy who makes every day feel like home.

but i guess i also feel worn out and tired for the 

daily fight for perfection that ballet ensues.

and i guess recently i've felt like i've given up on the battle.

it just doesnt seems as important to me anymore.

and all in all it just doesnt feel s fulfilling anymore.

Those fleeting moments on stage.

they are so far and in between,

and most of the time i feel so discontent with myself anyway.

when i told my director she didnt understand the concept that this was it.

that i wasnt going to be looking for a new job.

so i told her i was just taking a break,

and i would keep it up and when we settled down i would look for work again.

But i lied.

Maybe it will change but right now,

i'm done.

And her enthusiasm that i had so much more to give 

helped me, she didnt see me as a has been.

and i look at some old dancers in the company,

and i see that they have never been able to stop.

They have sacrificed everything for this life of ballet

and never been able to break free,

they fight on although their bodies are far past their prime.

and i never want to be like that.

I think of Darcey Bussell.

She made that decision, she had a family and kept on working for a while

and then just turned her back on it all.

 In the end sooner or later you have to break those ties.

And in my opinion if you do it too late your going to miss out on a whole 

life that happens outside of the shenigans of a ballet studio.

And i will miss it,

with all my heart i will miss it.

I already feel the void as i start to prepare myself.

and perhaps a little part of me will die.

but in the words of peter pan,

'to die will be an awfully big adventure'

(pictures of me by Vicente perez)