I am....

I am an anti-social nobody.
i am an expert seat-getter on the train, elbows out.
i am too out spoken for my own good.
i am a wife who misses her husband.
i am messy pup.
i am caught been trying my hardest and wanting to do my best and being too tired to care anymore.
i am a movie watcher.
i am struggling to have the concentration to read a good book at the moment
i am upset by the absence of the ability to read those good books.
i am a sleeper

Home.....

For so much of my life the Ballet Studio has been my home.

As i pack up my suitcases now, 

and finish my last performances,

i think of my new home.

Another Suitcase, Another Hall....

So what Happens now?

This song by one of my favourite artists sums it up,

(i couldnt find a better quality video)

Some (long) Thoughts on Egypt....

(sorry this turned out to be a really long post, i guess i'm just getting some things of my chest)

I havent really written so much about the political situation here in cairo at the moment,

mainly because i dont think i'm the most informed person to be writing about those kind of things.

I can write a little bit, but its purely my personal opinion and how things here have affected me.

To be honest i'm just tired of it all...

its not my fight and i'm stuck in the middle of tensions that i have no emotional connection to.

I understand the people trying to fight for a better life, 

there are so many people here who probably dont even fully comprehend just how much better their lives could be with a government that put its peoples needs first rather than their own, 

but at the same time i believe that

 'Charity begins at Home'.

How can you expect the leaders of your country to be

 honest, sensible, peaceful, trustworthy people, 

if you yourself are not these things.

(i'm sorry that i am incredibly generalising)

but let me say this....

in my time here as a blonde haired, blue-eyed foreigner i can tell you that on a DAILY basis, 

i am harrased in the streets as i walk down them - 

people staring at me,

 shouting at me,

 taking pictures of me,

 (of course there also the people who just want to say hello and be friendly too, again on a daily basis)

I am scammed by people who think that because 

i am a foreigner they can charge me sometimes as much as 200% the regular selling price....

(this is understandable as most foreigners in this country probably

 do earn a lot more than the average Egyptian but i myself am on

 an Egyptian salary and nobody believes me when i try and explain this to them!)

Egyptians have a short temper, 

and the common way to treat each other is to yell and scream to get things done, 

often resorting to fisticuffs. 

I once asked my friend why he punched the boy who was sitting next to him. 

'He just made me so angry,' he said, 'and punching him made me feel better about it'. 

I said to him, 'the ability to control our anger is what makes us better than the animals'.

 He replied to me that he had never thought about it like that before, 

and no one had ever told him it was wrong to react in such away.

And so i say again, 

if you expect the people who lead your country to be the best examples of you, than you have to improve yourself. Improve how you treat your fellow men. 

Since the Revolution there have been many protests,

sometimes tension filled - sometimes not.

 i rarely call in sick to work, but i do occasionally call in scared!

In general though there has not been a lot to worry about, 

the problems have been incredibly localised.

But just a couple of days ago whilst travelling home after

 a dress rehearsal with a friend on the Metro as a man went to exit the train, 

he purposely pushed his body up against mine and grabbed my ass to cop a feel. 

This was not the first time this has happened, 

but it has been happening on a more frequent basis. 

Most of the time i'm left absolutely helpless, and to be honest it makes me feel incredibly violated. 

I know it may sound a bit funny that someone grabbing my ass makes me feel violated, 

but please trust me  in telling you that it does.

 Men stare at me, they openly push themselves up against me,

 they grab my ass as i walk down the street,

 they walk behind me - following me all the time telling me how much

 they want to f**k me whilst i pretend not to hear....

and i can tell you that the constant daily strain of it wears you down. 

It makes you feel less than human,

 it makes you feel like an object that it is okay to treat like that, 

no better than they would treat a dog.

So the other night when it happened to me (again) on the Metro, 

i totally wigged out, 

i went crazy ass nuts on the guy, screaming and shouting proper Egyptian Style.

 And he of course did what they all do, throw their hands up in the air in the 'i surrender' pose and shake their heads claiming that they didnt do anything

 (sometimes when they do this i begin to doubt myself but this time i clearly saw what he did)

and then i broke down in tears and just kept

 repeating how i couldnt do this any more,

 this life here is too hard.

When i got off the train at the next stop,

 a few people who had been on my carriage came and apologised to me for what had happened. 

And i can tell you that this is something that happens often too. 

When they see something happen that shouldn't have, 

Egyptians will come up to you and say sorry, even though it was not their fault. 

They say sorry on behalf of their country,

 and they say sorry because they know as well as i do there is nothing either of us can do about it....

I guess i broke down so badly this time because i see an end in sight, 

and i dont need to keep myself toughened up any more.

Then yesterday  i heard that Principal male dancer from the company

 had been at a shopping mall with his friend, and was in the car park 

and him and his friend were held up by gunpoint by four armed assailants.

 As he ran to get help from some nearby security guards they shot at him and the bullet went through his femur breaking the bone in two. 

With the healthcare system the way it is here in Cairo

his chance for a full recovery and to be back on stage again any time soon are very slim.

So Egypt, 

its been an experience, and i think one that i wouldnt change for the world, 

but also one i wouldnt particularly recommend to anyone.

Life here is so different, 

and my eyes and my mind have been opened in a way that holidaying here, 

or reading about things on the news would never have made me understand. 

(if you have made it to the end and are interested at all, 

this post is quite good.
http://www.elazul.me/2012/06/egypt-epilogue.html)

Housesitting.....

i've spent the last week house-sitting for a

couple of friends who were out of town.

Lets just say, my current apartment, is teeny weeny....

in fact i rent out my living room as a bedroom to a friend so as to save on rent.

Our shower doesnt have a shower curtain,

so we have to mop up the water after every shower.

the hot water doesnt last long.

the front door sticks, lately i've been having to

get our downstairs neighbours come and open it for me.

there is no heating system....period.

the walls are paper thin.....

our laundry machine has been broken so long

(again good job we have friendly downstairs neighbours)

spending the week in an apartment that -

has a cleaner 3 times a week.

has marble floors that are big enough to get a good run up and slide down

penthouse (well i think nearly)

panoramic windows all around, (so light and spacious feeling)

a bed that doesnt have the previous occupants body still engraved to its memory

sillky soft sheets

a washer and a dryer! (i washed my clothes every day!)

non-stick pots and pans that are still non-stick

heaters

just to name a few things....

oh my life was so much better.

i was contemplating if 5 days housesitting would give me any squatter rights....

i like to sometimes google quaint houses and imagine me living in them

(is that weird)

like look at this, you can live in a windmill

or this gorgeous cottage.....

there was a castle for sale a couple of weeks ago...

but it seems to have gone off the listings...

dang...i was beginning to save my pennies for it...

oh well

Stalker tendencies....

I've come to the realisation that i have stalker like tendencies...

and all these forms of internet social networking are just feeding them.

First of all facebook,

where i stalk my friends and family from afar.

i right the occasional comment to closer friends/family...

but i definitely have ones who i check up on way too much

without ever having any actual communications

Then came blogger,

here i stalk people i have never met,

and will probably never meet.

i become imaginary friends with people who i have only

ever met through their blog persona's.

I rarely comment.

Then came twitter,

now i can stalk celebs, who couldnt care less

about me, but i feel now that i'm in the celebrity circuit,

a little bit closer to the workings of the rich and famous.

i occasionally comment in the excitement that

one day one of them could actually write back to me!

oh dear....

lock me up and throw away the key

(just let me keep my internet connection)

Where in the World?

As i sat on the Metro today,

I looked up from the book i had been immersed in

and slowly replaced my mind to where my body was.

My mind was in a fictional Indian cottage.

My body was on an Egyptian Metro.

My heart was left in Slovenia and is now being carried over oceans.

My roots are in Scotland.

Welcome To My World.

Fragmented thoughts....

I kicked the conductor today, pretty hard, whilst warming up in the wings...

'THWACK!'

Fortunately he laughed and passed me his baton

and told me i'd have to lead the orchestra tonight....

i'm a bit nervous about my new partner for pas de trois in Swan Lake,

he's young and new and reckless,

thinks he's Baryishnikov

he is not.

he needs to hold me so i dont fall over.....

I'm not confident he will.

I went out a couple of evenings ago for dinner with friends.

it was the first time this month that i have done any form of social activity.

Realised that having social activities with friends

should happen more often so as to help me keep my sanity.

One year anniversary of the Egyptian revolution....

are things all that different?

hmmmm.....

better not get into Middle Eastern Politics,

its really not my forte.

I dreamed about eating Philadelphia Cream Cheese the other night,

it was amazing!

Better than the dream i had about George Clooney the night before.

Was pretty sad at the grocery store today when

i had to put back my tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese

as i dint have enough cash on me and had more important things to buy.

I wont make that mistake twice.

Been loving having nightly chats with Captain Tim on skype recently,

it appears we can spend hours talking about nothing.

mini-disclaimer!

(as much as i'd like it to be its definitely not me in the picture....

if only....

its just one i saw on pinterest tonight and loved,

i guess i should probably start sourcing my pictures...

although if you want to think that is me, please feel free to do so....)

Dear Thief....

Dear Thief,

Yes you.

I am talking to you.

The thief who stole my bag two nights ago when i was in the process of moving house.

Perhaps you didnt do it on purpose, perhaps i left it

behind somewhere and you thought 'finders keepers, loosers weepers'.

If that is the case well then, yes, i did weep.....a lot.

Perhaps you have a very poor family and finding my bag was like manna from heaven,

honestly i hope that this is the case as it is the one that is most reassuring for me....

but then again perhaps you are just greedy.

At anyrate, seeing as you now own some of my personal possessions

let us get a little bit more acquainted. I dont care about the toothbrush/sheets/towels/hairbrush/pyjamas ect. you can keep them,

they are replaceable items .

I dont even care all that much about the Gameboy,

i really didnt play it all that much anyway,

I do on the other hand care about the Sonic game that my 7year old brother lent me,

by not being able to return it to him i feel like i have dishonoured his trust.

I care about the silver necklace that was gifted to me from my

work colleagues from Slovenia with whom i had worked for five years.

It was a special memory for me.

Everytime that i wore it it reminded me that they knew that it was

hard for me to leave them and how they had put their money to buy me a gift,

it reminded me that we may not have all been friends all the time but that they cared enough about me to get me a beautiful necklace that i cherished.

I am sad that it is gone.

I do care about the large amount of money that was in the bag.

Perhaps you will think it is not a large amount of money, but to me it was.

Perhaps you will think, 'silly white westerner will not care about losing this amount of money. i am far less of than she',

so as to appease your guilt.

You are wrong, that money meant a lot to me.

It took me a long time to earn it,

and i was putting it aside in order to prepare for my future.

I do care about the 2 pairs of glasses that were in that bag.

It will be difficult for me to replace them, and also the boxes of contact lenses

that were in that bag. In fact, it upsets me that my contact lenses

were lost as my family do not have a lot of money,

but they help me to pay for those...this loss did not just effect me it effects them also.

I have very poor eyesight,

i bet that they are not even your prescription and

well not fetch a good price on the black market.

I am most upset about my scriptures that were in the bag.

What i am referring to is the small turquoise leather bound book.

It will not mean much to you, but to me it is very similar to your Koran or your Bible.

To me it is a sacred book which i have read many times

and have not been parted from for 12years.

Sure i can replace it,

but that particular one had helped me through a lot of rough patches and answered a lot of prayers for me.....

i guess i'll make new memories with my new one.

Dear Thief,

I hope that you fully appreciate your swag,

because i never really did until it was gone.

Rebekah

Wishful thinking.....

I wish my little Scottish body could adapt to Egyptian heat

I wish that my internet didnt suck, its my only connection with the outside world

I wish that i could speed up time so that my holiday countdown would go faster

I wish that i had a magic ability to make people understand the way i think,

cause sometimes i just aint no good at expressing myself

I wish they had fresh milk in Egypt not the horrid UHT stuff

I wish that i didnt have to count every last penny that leaves my purse

I wish that i had someone to cook dinner for me on days when i come home tired.

I wish that my 'Moon Costume' for our current production (all in one white hooded unitard) didnt make me look like a giant tampon.

I wish that being in love could be more straight-forward.

Things that make me shiny.....

Since i arrived in Italy the littlest things have been making me exceedingly excited

yellow bananas

(i'm not kidding i thought they were fake they were the perfect shade of yellow)

the ability to drink water straight from the tap

being able to see the stars at night,

seeing my first snow of the winter

(even if it was all slushy and black at the side of the road)

jacuzzi bubblebaths

bacon

ham

slovenian pizza

visiting old friends

fresh unpolluted air

going grocery shopping and being allowed to put all my favourite things

in the basket because i am a homeless refugee

fresh milk with my cereal

going shopping to buy a winter jumper

internet

not being covered in a layer of sand all the time

freshly squeezed lemonade

and yet as i watch the news and see that things

aren't getting any better, i feel sad.

i want to go back.

To my horrible old apartment where nothing ever works.

To being over-worked in rehearsals.

To Egypt.

Why?

Because i had started to make a life there,

and here i am in limbo.

When I was 18.....

My littlest sister turned 17 the other day,

i couldnt believe it!

i skyped her for her birthday,

at first i didnt know who it was because you was wearing a cow-pyjamas onesie

(complete with udders)......

at any rate, it got me reminiscing about myself when i was younger...

to be more precise i started thinking about me the me i was

when i was 18.

When i was 18

i left my dance college i was at in Scotland

and told my parents that i needed to move to London

as it was the only place where i could further my career.

My dad took me to the train station.

Before we went he put on his best suit,

I asked him why he had changed,

'Because i dont have enough money to pay for a train ticket'

So we went to the train station and he smiled at the sales assistant

and paid for my ticket with a cheque he knew would bounce.

When i got on the train i hadn't arranged for a place

to stay when i arrived in London,

but halfway there i gave a phonecall to a friend of mine

who i hadnt seen in a couple of years and lived just outside London.

I told him i was moving to London and that i needed

a place to stay whilst i sorted things out.

'Sure, no problem, when are you coming?'

'I think my train gets in in about 3 hours'

He laughed and told me he would pick me up at the station.

I marvel at my 18 year old self,

the dreams, determination and aspirations that i had.

I wasnt scared about moving to London.

I was scared

about what would become of me if i didnt jump

on the train that day and try to start finding myself a career in London.

I was scared

of being too comfortable and secure at my college

and knowing what was ahead of me if i kept on that path.

It scared me so much i got onto a train to London with no money and no place to stay.

And those two years in London were the hardest two years of my life so far.

So many rejections, so much lost hope, so crushing,

I became an introverted shell of my former self.

I went to an interview once where the director

asked me what i had been doing with myself lately,

'Nothing'

was all i could think to say,

He gave a second chance tried to prod me get me to expand,

but that was what i felt at the time,

my life was nothing.

But I was strong and pulled through and the outcome was shiny.

I dont think that 26year old me would have such strength or determination.

I marvel at the things that i did.

They seem so young and naive yet so brave and so bold.

I think this mixture can only be achieved at the age of 18.

But then again,

maybe i'll look back one day and say

the same things about 26 year old me.

Social Lifeless.....

I realised the other night that my outside of work social activities

have become very small as of late.

Well nearly non-existent.

Ordinarily i would put this problem down to my social skills

but today i'm going to blame it on my working hours,

which recently have been between 2.30-9pm,

after which i 'm normally too tired to go out bounding around being all social-likeable,

and people who dont have my

working hours tend not to want to start socialising at 10pm.

Which means no Christmas Concerts for me this year.

Boooooo

(i think last year i managed to get about 4 in)

and i have a sneaky feeling that they are going to make us work Christmas day.

Ballet Companies like to do silly things like that.

An Attitude of Gratitude.....

I am grateful that the water came back

on in my apartment this morning.

I was feeling very stinky.

I am grateful for my job.

It's not always perfect

but there are moments that make me smile

(and i get to perform at the Citadel tomorrow).

I am grateful for the air conditioner in my bedroom.

I am grateful that i have a house to live

in with normal flatmates

(even more so after the horrid ones i spent the last month with)

I am grateful for having people

around me who make me laugh.

I am grateful for having people

around me who will listen to me complain.

I am grateful for the internet, especially Skype.

So that no matter where i am in the world it

brings me closer to the friends and family i have left behind.

I am grateful for the Scriptures.

No matter where i am in the world

i can still draw close to Heavenly Father.

But

Try as i might.

I cannot think of anything positive to say about the cockroaches that have over taken my kitchen.

For no reason.....

Yesterday i was feeling great.

On top of the world.

Happy.

Tickled Pink.

For no reason.

That's just the way that i was feeling.

And today i feel worried.

Anxious.

Lonely.

Blue.

For no reason.

That's just the way that i'm feeling.

And i know that nothing changed from yesterday to today.

And that i'm being silly.

And that i got invited out to 2 different social events tonight,

and i declined them both

and sat alone in my room

and wanted to call my mum

who didnt answer.

But,

I just ate a bowl of granola with banana yoghurt

which i had to walk to the shop to buy

but it's my current Food-Love

and one must always obey ones current Food-Love,

and i already have a sneaky feeling that tomorrow

things are going to look brighter.

Changes....

Computerless.

Still.

On Holiday.

Just.

Missing A Certain Someone.

Already.

Catching Up With Sisters.

In London.

Shopping.

Sorry Bank Account.

Life Goes On....

Changes.

feeling inferior...

sometimes i wonder why i am fighting so hard to keep a job when everything about it seems to be trying to make me feel inferior.
Whilst other girls look at new cast lists to see what role they will have i look at it in hope that i will be an understudy and that someone will get injured and i'll finally get to perform.

Today i was Too Slow
Too Lazy
Out of Time Everytime
and asked
'why do you have to stand so ugly?'

I look around wonder if i truly am the worst dancer in the room.
i know i am not the best.
I am not perfect.
I have aspects that need to be worked on.

But i have qualities too.
Why am i the only one who thinks this?
lately i've been wondering if they are actually qualities at all.

I think i preferred yesterdays physical pain to today's mental pain.

Today as a 'correction' i was told, 'Dont dance so much'.

Perhaps i should remind them that when asked for my occupation i generally reply,

Dancer.

Dressing for the weather...

Whats up with the weather at the moment?

Everyday i look out my window and try to guess from the clouds as to how to dress appropriately....an age old technique which i have used for years but apparently my weather-window- guessing-skills are in dire need of improvement as of late.

Recently i 've been caught out wearing summer sandals in a thunderstorm and welly boots in scorching hot weather...

on the other hand i'm adamant that now that it June and i 'm not currently living in Scotland but in a warm climated place it should be sunny weather every day on a constant basis which means summer dresses every day....

I can see that Mario has this problem too...

Finding adventure...

"What a large volume of adventures may be grasped within this little span of life
by him who interests his heart in everything."

Lawrence Stone

Being Brave.....

Today i need to be a little bit Brave and do something that i dont want to do.

I need to muster up some Courage from deep inside
and talk to someone about Truths that we have been avoiding.

Avoiding because we know that they are scary
Avoiding because without talking about them
everything seems beautiful.

But we both know that they are there
lurking under the stairs
and neither of us has the Courage to go
down into the cellar and bring them up.

I think that i might chicken out,
because when he talks to me
his words sparkle and make me feel like starlight....

and who wouldnt want to be made to feel like starlight.

Cheerful Rainy Day Thoughts

As it is such a miserable rainy day out side i've decided to think of things that have made me smile in the last 24 hours.

Reading my sisters facebook status which read -
just found a home made comic in the bathroom... little brothers are strange?!?

watching Samantha Who?

receiving a pretty new vintage lacey mint green dress that i bought in the post


receiving three Cadburys Twirl bars in the post

eating three Cadburys Twirl bars

chatting with my 10yeard old brother Jordan on facebook
when the conversation went a bit like this -

me - what did you do today?
Jordan - nothing
me- what? didnt you go to school?
jordan - yeah...but why would i bring that into my life story?

coming out of the meeting with my Director that i've been
putting off for ages (i wanted to ask for a payrise) and realising that it wasnt so bad.

starting a new book

listening to Sweet Charity soundtrack this morning on my ipod

listening to The Dave Gorman Podcast on my ipod last night

seeing how excited Del-Boy gets when i give her a tomato