deep inside.....

i'd like to see this documentary made about English National ballet.

I love what Daria Klimentova says at the end,

'i'm quite insecure dancer but here deep inside myself i'm ambitious'

i can relate to that,

at times i hear what other people say about me,

'how did she get that role?'

'she's not good enough'

even this week my partner complained to the director that he didnt like dancing with me.

i wonder how that makes me feel,

we are constantly crushed not only by our teachers but by our fellow peers.

i wonder at the times i have complained about my partners,

and how did that make them feel?

the times i have felt like someone shouldnt be dancing a role...

but at the end of the day if that person puts their heart and soul into it,

what does it matter.

and i get insecure,

and then i have to go on stage and pretend that i'm not.

pretend that i'm not frightened to death of my pirouettes,

pretend that even the smallest of mistakes will not make

me toss and turn all night long with the inability to sleep,

because i know i could have done it better.

this week a photographer took some pictures of the performances,

and i was so disappointed to see the pictures of myself,

to see all my flaws.

wishing that my hands looked nicer,

my shoulder were down,

my elbows were not over extended,

that my feet looked nicer on pointe.

but at the end of the day,

i have the ambition....

and that feeling of getting it right is amazing

even if its only fleeting....

(on a side note I want to point out that my very first ballet performance was with Daria Klimentova, she was dancing Sugar Plum with the Scottish Ballet and i was a mouse whose head she placed a ribbon on...all those years ago)